Know Ways to End Conflict

Each conflict has three parts:

• The content - what people do not agree about
• The emotion - how people feel about it
• The process - how people talk about the conflict and work to solve it.

Conflicts can be ended well in different ways:

• The people who do not agree can work it out together.
• Someone can help them work it out.
• Someone else can decide what is best.

How well the two people get along after that depends on how much someone else had to do to end the conflict. People get along best after, if they work out the problem together. People do not always get along well, if someone else has to step in to decide what is best.

People who teach others how to end conflicts well use some words that are good to know:

• Issue means the problem people want to solve.
• Position means the solution that a person wants. Sometimes people use words like "I want," "I will," "I do not want" or "I will not" to say what their position is.
• Interests are the needs that must be met for the person to be happy. They may be what the person
• Hopes
• Expects
• Fears
• Cares about
• Thinks are true
• Thinks are most important.
• Point of view is what one person thinks the other person is like. It can also be what one person thinks the other one wants or needs. Sometimes it is hard to end a conflict because one person thinks that the other person just argues to make trouble. It may not be true, but it can keep the person from listening.

It is easier to know what a person's position is, because it is what they say. It is harder to know what their interests are. But it is most important to find a solution that fits each person's interests. Here is a list of common interests behind what people say and do:

When each person tells their side of the conflict, the listener must try to figure out the other person's interests from what they say. Click here to see a form you can use to help you listen for these things better.

There are four steps to end a conflict well:

1. Make people comfortable to talk about the problem. Pick a time and private place that works for both of you. Sometimes people need a bit of time to get ready to talk about it. They may be too busy or too upset to talk right now. Use the time to try to guess what their interests are.
2. Be clear about the problem that needs to be worked out. Sometimes the problem that day hides a bigger problem. One tip to help get at the big problem is to keep asking "Why is that important?" after the person answers. It may take about five times to get to the real issue.
3. Find out what is important to people on both sides about the issue. To do this,
• Show an interest in their side. Ask questions in a friendly way.
• Listen to understand them, not to argue back.
• Tell the other side.
• Be sure the other person understands.
• Look for things that are important to both of you.
4. Solve the problem. Look at all the choices or things you can do. Find out which one meets everyone's needs best. To help others be OK with what is chosen, always tell them about at least one way it will make their life better [C1].

People may become angry if they feel that others have not listened to them. So listen well:

• Listen for words that the person says a bit louder. Ask "why," "how," or "what" questions about them.
• Listen for words and sentences that the person says over and over. These are things the person feels you have not listened to. Ask "why," "how," or "what" questions about them to find out what is important. Put them in your own words to see if you understand what the person wants you to hear.

Ask questions that make clear what the other person has said. Click here to see a role play activity that you can do with another person to use these skills.

An important skill to end a conflict is to listen to what the other person says and try to figure out what needs to be part of the answer for the person to be happy. When a person says something negative, it often tells you about what they need. If you can show the person that you understand their needs or interests, they will feel you really heard them. Then they feel better and more ready to work out the problem with you. This skill is called re-framing. There are four steps:

1. Listen and guess what the person's need or interest is.
2. Paraphrase what they care about and need.
3. Ask them to tell you if you got it right.
4. If you are right, re-frame the problem into a statement about the results they want.

What if the person says, "You come into my room all the time with one problem after another. You seem to think I have nothing better to do than solve all your problems."

You may guess that they get upset when they cannot get their work done on time because they have to stop and help you. You may guess that they need you to respect what they are busy with. And you may guess that they want you to solve your own problems.

Then you paraphrase and say, "So you are upset that I come in without asking if it is OK and take up your time with my problems. Is that right?"

If the person says yes, you re-frame what they said at first as "It is important to you that I respect your time."

Click here to see an activity to help you learn how to do these four steps.

Do not ignore a problem because you hope it will go away. More often it gets worse.